Sailing On

I remember not too long ago writing a blog about how life is like an ocean and you need to sail it to see where it takes you. You never know what is going to happen to you or where you're going to end up. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. Life is full of surprises, you just never know.

Last night I ended the relationship I was in for the past four months. It didn't end well, but I am much better off without him. I am hurting a lot from it, but as time goes by, I will get over it. Everyone goes through heartbreak at least once in their life; it makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not alone in this.

I feel an empty space in my heart, but like I said before, with time, it will heal up again. Everything happens for a reason, I like to think. And I think with this there was a great reason behind it that I might never know. My mother told me today that once a door closes, another one opens. I trust her and I think she's right. I just have to wait for the next door to open and carry on with life.

Friends Forever

You never know who you will meet in your life or even come across. Mostly everyone in this world has a best friend. No matter the age, color, race, gender, or anything; you have a best friend. Some people lose touch with their "best friend" or even become enemies or strangers. It breaks my heart when I hear about fallen and broken friendships. Thinking about it scares me because my biggest fear is to lose my best friend.

When I was 12 years old I had no idea their would be a new girl in my town. The first time I saw her was at my seventh grade orientation in the high school. Seeing her, I had no idea how important she would be to me in the future or even be my friend. We were complete opposites; absolutely nothing in common. How could someone like her change my entire life?

The first week of school I gave her my house phone number. (I didn't own a cell phone back then) She would call my house every single afternoon and night. I thought she was totally weird and I didn't understand why she wanted to chill with me so badly. She was in a lot of my classes and we would talk a lot. I was having my 13th birthday party and as a joke an old friend said "you should invite that weird girl that is always calling you to your party." And I did.

After that, the rest was history; we were attached at the hip. We were with each other every single day after school and did everything to see each other. We were so young at the time; no car, no cell phone. She'd call my house, I already knew the routine: walk and meet up at the park. This girl was one of my only friends and she became my life. A day didn't go by where I didn't see her or hear from her. We shared so many memories and secrets with each other. There is still stuff that we know about eachother that no one else knows or will ever know.

Even during this close relationship, I never thought about the future with this girl. I didn't know what would happen to our friendship, but one thing that happened is we became even closer. The bond between us was unbreakable. She started making new friends and I did get a little jealous, but she always considered and put me first. I eventually became friends with her new friends as well, but they don't even compare to the relationship I had with her.

5 years strong. I look back at all the things that happened in those 5 years. Looking back at them makes me realize I am probably one of the most luckiest people alive to have her as my best friend. She told me once, "I don't give up on you and I never will." She was proven right. She is the only person in my life who has never gave up on me and she still hasn't. Through all the good and the bad I've been through in my life, she was always there right beside me.

Of course we've had fights and arguments before, who hasn't? It's what makes relationships stronger. We've seen each other cry, smile, laugh, yell, and scream. We've took care of each other during all those heartbreaks with guys and stuck up for each other with girls and drama. No matter if we knew that we were right or wrong, we've always had each other's back through everything.

I know as people grow older, they part. Sometimes I think about what would happen if her and I ever parted ways. I would be so heartbroken and upset about it, but I could never replace her. I know even if we never talked to each other ever again, she would always hold a very special place in my heart.

I could never be able to thank her enough for everything she has done for me. She has taught me what life is, what happiness is, basically what everything is. I don't know where I'd be today without her in my life. My life would be completely different if I never met her or even became friends with her. So this goes out to you. I love you more than anything, Julie Katan. You will always be in my heart. Forever.

Giving Up

I am strongly against giving up something you believe in or want in your life. But there comes a time in everybody's life where they honestly can't go any further with something. I understand that giving up is easy; a lot easier than not giving up. For me, I usually never give up on anything or anyone because that's just the way I am. I am not a quitter and I stand strong. But what else can I do if I am chasing after something that is basically dead.

For the past three months I've been in a pretty crazy relationship with this guy. I should have seen the warning signs when I first started dating him. This relationship consisted of being stood up, being lied to, and straight up confusion. I've shown him that I would be there for him no matter what and that I am always here. I've also shown him love, support, and loyalty. But from him there was nothing mutual.

I've tried so hard to make things work out, but nothing has gotten any better. I have such strong feelings for him and I don't want it to end. He claims he doesn't want it to end either, but he shows no emotion towards me. He has been promising it would get better everytime, but it clearly hasn't. I don't understand it at all, but that's just the way it is.

I have come to the point of this relationship where I have nothing else to do besides give up. I gave him my all and got nothing in return. It kills me inside giving up on someone, but I have to do it. I can't be miserable anymore and go through living like this; all he does is bring me down and I can't do it.

I'm going to try to be strong about it, but I know all I am going to do is fall. But it's alright. I need to move on, it's only a part of life. It's hard and it hurts a hella lot, but I will get through it, just like everyone else does.

Unexpected

It's scary how things work out or end up. I looked at the last time I updated this and realized that a few days later my life took a pretty huge turn. A few days after I posted that I put in my two weeks notice for work and started talking to this new guy.

This guy makes me happy, but confuses the hell out of me. We're in a relationship, but it doesn't feel like it at all. My friends all find him strange, but that's why I think I like him so much. He gives me the feelings I get when I drink rum. I get all numb and fuzzy and happy. But when I'm not with him, I am all upset or confused. It seems like he is throwing me mixed signals, but I'll just wait and see what happens. I really hope that things work out between us because he's hella awesome.

I didn't mean for this to be a ramble or anything, but I just think it's weird yet funny how shit works out. You really never know what will happen to you in the future. You never know what you're going to do or who you're going to meet.

Life is an Ocean, Sail it

Damn, I haven't updated this since 'nam. A lot of shit has been going on recently in my life, I guess you could say. My life is a complete roller coaster. I am mostly depressed half the time and I have recently figured out some of the reasons why. I wish I could explain to people the shit that goes on in my head, but half the time I think that would cause them to be just as depressed as I am. I feel like I am so fucked up most of the time for what I am thinking or goes on in my head. I feel like I am just a huge fuck up and am useless.

I will start out with one of the main reasons I am always upset, stressed, or pissed off. Work. Even though I know I don't get a lot of hours anymore because everyone's hours have been cut, the place drives me crazy. I walk out of the store with the biggest headache ever. I was discussing with a close friend the other day that being in there for over an hour makes you feel like you're in a dream and in a completely different world. It is such a scary feeling, it's almost like you're high all the time. The time goes by so slowly and you just want to stand there and cry. After work I come home in a horrible mood and I don't wanna be bothered by anyone.

Another reason for my depression is me losing touch with people. I noticed that lately I hardly talk to my mother; inside it really kills me. I stopped talking to a lot of my friends; I have pretty good reasons for some of them, though. In my mind, I feel like sometimes it's better that I am distancing myself from people that I was close to only because I know I will be leaving them soon. With technology I can keep touch with the people that I will be thousands of miles away from, but it hurts on the inside. I hate getting close to people here knowing that I will be across the country in a few months. I get too attached to people and then I realize I won't be around here and it makes me so upset.

I can't even wake up in the morning. I'm not talking only about weekdays when I have schools. It is a torture for me to wake up before noon on weekends as well. I just want to sleep time away so June comes quicker. I wish I still had motivation, but I lost all care for everything. I'm failing most of my classes and get write ups at my job all the time just because I stopped caring. All I want to do is drink and sleep. I've become a mess and I can't handle it anymore. I feel like I'll be happier when I go away to school, but I can't be so sure anymore. I absolutely hate who I've become and want to get better as soon as possible.

My love for you is true, a tattoo...

I know, I know, I haven't updated this little thing in forever. But better late than never, right? So yesterday was my 18th birthday, even though it didn't feel like it, it was. Of course, being the legal age you're allowed to do a lot, for instance get a tattoo; which is exactly what I did. Even since I was about 11 or 12, I've been madly in love with the band Rancid. So what did I do yesterday? Spent my whole day in a tattoo shop getting RANCID across my back. A lot of my friends ask "do you regret it?" Fuck no. But if I knew the pain was that bad, I don't know if I would go back in time and get it done there. I am still sore as fuck and cannot do much with my arms, let alone sleep.

This tattoo will always be on my back, but there are no regrets. Until the day I am a little old lady in the nursing home, Rancid will be on my back. And there is a reason for the placement, may I add. When I was a lot younger, I went through a lot of shit. Let's call it, my "darker days." I was miserable, but there was always one thing that got my through and had my back...and it was Rancid. Whenever I am upset, I turn on Rancid. There is something about them that protects me and makes me feel safe. I really don't know what it is, from the moment I saw Fall Back Down on TV back in '03, I knew I was in love. I didn't realize how special they were to me back then, nor did I think I'd get them tattooed on my back when I turn 18, but I did.

I used to walk around town at 1 in the morning, meeting up with my best friend, catching the next bus. I would get scared, I dunno of what, but I would turn on Rancid and feel safe. They've helped me out through all my bad times, no matter what it was. Family problems, having my heart broken, just feeling like shit in general, their music was always there for me to help me. I could never begin to thank them enough.

All the times I've seen them play live, it's like magic. It's something that I can't describe. I remember seeing them for the first time and my smile could not leave my face. Then a few nights later in the city, breaking my fucking nose. Shit, I can't even name all the shit. So this blog is dedicated to Rancid, just like my back will be, forever. Thank you, Rancid...I know I won't regret you, ever.

What's in your purse?

1. My Alice in Wonderland makeup case, including: Lash extender, Avon mascara, MAC mascara, lash curler, Burt's Bees chapstick, Kat Von D lipstick, Kat Von D liquid eyeliner, mini chapstick, glittery eyeshadow, Avon foundation, and a Milani eyeliner stick.

2. The Five People You Meet in Heaven book.

3. A flyer to a show.

4. A map of Los Angeles and Hollywood.

5. Rocky Horror promotion flyers.

6. About 4 metrocards.

7. A bottle of hand lotion.

8. Holiday Punch Lip Smackers chapstick.

9. My wallet: $21; mad change, Rita's cool card, credit card, gift cards, my driver's liscense, movie tickets.

10. A dollar bill, which I should put into my wallet.

11. A pack of Marlboro Lights.

12. About 3 pens.

13. My calendar booklet.

14. My keyring.

15. My CD player, including: Rancid's Let the Dominoes Fall.

16. Sam's ipod.

17. True Match foundation, my favorite.

18. Glittery pink nailpolish.

19. A Sephora mirror.

20. My padlock necklace.

21. A chocolate tootsie pop wrapper.

22. A white contact case.

23. A few safety pins.

24. A few tickets from shows, including: Bamboozle, The Stun Gunz, and Street Dogs.

25. A bunch of hair clips.


So yes, there is it. I'm not so sure how everything fits, considering the size of my purse is on the small size. I also tossed everything back into my purse, not cleaning it out whatsoever.