Damn, I haven't updated this since 'nam. A lot of shit has been going on recently in my life, I guess you could say. My life is a complete roller coaster. I am mostly depressed half the time and I have recently figured out some of the reasons why. I wish I could explain to people the shit that goes on in my head, but half the time I think that would cause them to be just as depressed as I am. I feel like I am so fucked up most of the time for what I am thinking or goes on in my head. I feel like I am just a huge fuck up and am useless.
I will start out with one of the main reasons I am always upset, stressed, or pissed off. Work. Even though I know I don't get a lot of hours anymore because everyone's hours have been cut, the place drives me crazy. I walk out of the store with the biggest headache ever. I was discussing with a close friend the other day that being in there for over an hour makes you feel like you're in a dream and in a completely different world. It is such a scary feeling, it's almost like you're high all the time. The time goes by so slowly and you just want to stand there and cry. After work I come home in a horrible mood and I don't wanna be bothered by anyone.
Another reason for my depression is me losing touch with people. I noticed that lately I hardly talk to my mother; inside it really kills me. I stopped talking to a lot of my friends; I have pretty good reasons for some of them, though. In my mind, I feel like sometimes it's better that I am distancing myself from people that I was close to only because I know I will be leaving them soon. With technology I can keep touch with the people that I will be thousands of miles away from, but it hurts on the inside. I hate getting close to people here knowing that I will be across the country in a few months. I get too attached to people and then I realize I won't be around here and it makes me so upset.
I can't even wake up in the morning. I'm not talking only about weekdays when I have schools. It is a torture for me to wake up before noon on weekends as well. I just want to sleep time away so June comes quicker. I wish I still had motivation, but I lost all care for everything. I'm failing most of my classes and get write ups at my job all the time just because I stopped caring. All I want to do is drink and sleep. I've become a mess and I can't handle it anymore. I feel like I'll be happier when I go away to school, but I can't be so sure anymore. I absolutely hate who I've become and want to get better as soon as possible.
I will start out with one of the main reasons I am always upset, stressed, or pissed off. Work. Even though I know I don't get a lot of hours anymore because everyone's hours have been cut, the place drives me crazy. I walk out of the store with the biggest headache ever. I was discussing with a close friend the other day that being in there for over an hour makes you feel like you're in a dream and in a completely different world. It is such a scary feeling, it's almost like you're high all the time. The time goes by so slowly and you just want to stand there and cry. After work I come home in a horrible mood and I don't wanna be bothered by anyone.
Another reason for my depression is me losing touch with people. I noticed that lately I hardly talk to my mother; inside it really kills me. I stopped talking to a lot of my friends; I have pretty good reasons for some of them, though. In my mind, I feel like sometimes it's better that I am distancing myself from people that I was close to only because I know I will be leaving them soon. With technology I can keep touch with the people that I will be thousands of miles away from, but it hurts on the inside. I hate getting close to people here knowing that I will be across the country in a few months. I get too attached to people and then I realize I won't be around here and it makes me so upset.
I can't even wake up in the morning. I'm not talking only about weekdays when I have schools. It is a torture for me to wake up before noon on weekends as well. I just want to sleep time away so June comes quicker. I wish I still had motivation, but I lost all care for everything. I'm failing most of my classes and get write ups at my job all the time just because I stopped caring. All I want to do is drink and sleep. I've become a mess and I can't handle it anymore. I feel like I'll be happier when I go away to school, but I can't be so sure anymore. I absolutely hate who I've become and want to get better as soon as possible.
